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By Seble Teweldebirhan
Addis Ababa, June 30, 2012 (Ezega.com) - The urbanized community in Ethiopia is familiar with an idea of Ethiopians abroad looking for a wife/husband from home. Some of you might even have been engaged in fixing up a Diaspora with a local women/man. Including marriage for visa, there are cases of arranged marriage by family and friends, which worked or failed for several reasons.
At present, for a very limited number of citizens in Ethiopia who have access to the internet, all this got easier with social media like Facebook. Online romantic relationships are working their way to becoming a common love story here in the capital Addis Ababa.
Just like any other story, there are two sides of arguments for an internet romance. Some argue that it is an opportunity especially for the Diaspora who wish to find a partner from home. This will avoid the mediators and family interventions and people will get to pick someone they like on their own. The opposite argument is, since it is easier to lie on the internet, the romance can be a mere fantasy and a waste of time.
However, after I heard the following story, I just thought it is important to share it with you.
This is a story of Helen (whose name has been changed for this article) and her online romance that left her with a scar that might last for a lifetime. She is a 25 years old executive secretary in one of Addis Ababa private businesses. She has been getting relatively enough income and happy with her life. Those who know her compliment her for her relaxed and fun personality. Her bosses could not be any happier for these qualities. Since her job required her meeting several customers, the fact that she is sociable and always smiley served the company well.
At the back of her mind though, Helen always considered the idea of living abroad. With her hard working and sociable personality, she thought she could do better somewhere outside Ethiopia. This was not just a thought. She started communicating with agents who promised her a receptionist position in one of five star Dubai hotels. In addition, Helen also had a backup plan to go to school and pursue her education further.
At the same time, Helen had a Facebook relationship with a person she calls Sámi. They met online after he sent her a friend request on Facebook. Though she did not know him personally, that was not a reason to stop her from clicking confirm. As anyone might assume, what harm can it be to add a stranger on a Facebook account?
However, this particular stranger did not remain stranger for long. He started chatting her very frequently. Helen says they chat about almost everything. Since her office provides her a relatively fast internet connection, it was not a problem for her to communicate with him on a daily bases.
He is an Ethiopian who lives in the USA. He told her, after leaving the country 10 years ago, he has only been to Ethiopia twice. That is because his parents are dead and he has no real family in Ethiopia. After exchanging private information for several months, their relationship grew to the next level. She gave him her phone number and he started calling. At this point, the relationship was romantic in every sense of the term.
After one year online and phone relationship, he asked her to marry him. He said, if she agrees, he will come to Ethiopia, they will get married, and he will take her to USA. This question changed Helen’s entire plan for the future. The process for Dubai, the plan to get back to school, and so many other social and professional plans were forgotten.
She said yes to the marriage proposal over the phone. When she told her family, they did not oppose to the marriage. In fact, though it happened in a modern way, her family said Ethiopian men abroad are always looking for a wife in Ethiopia. They mentioned some names whom they knew married a Diaspora in an arranged marriage by family and friends. Therefore, hers is not different, except that she made it happen by herself.
Sámi came to Ethiopia after a few months of their phone engagement. The wedding date was set and everything looked right with the world. Her parents could not be happier and they refused to let him check in at a hotel. A bedroom was prepared just for him and he stayed with the family. Her brother paid the sacrifice by moving out of his room. Then everyone got busy with the weeding plan. While doing so, the lovebirds were busy traveling the country and having fun.
However, her family insisted for a big traditional weeding, Sámi begged for a small family only ceremony. Since he did not have, a family of his own, Helen thought having a big wedding with all her family and friends would make him feel bad. So, she agreed for a small ceremony. They invited only 50 people (of course, in Ethiopia, this would mean more than 150 people would come, since many show up with invited family member or come uninvited at all). Since her parents are relatively a well to do, they did not require much of his financial assistance for the wedding.
During his two months stay with the family, Sámi did not take an active part in the wedding preparation. Rather, he focused on having fun and traveling around the country. “He hated talking about our future and where and how we might live,” Helen said. “He insisted we have the rest of our lives to worry about these issues”. Unfortunately, Helen did not take these signs seriously.
However, one night, after going out for a walk, he did not come back. His phone was not working. The family was very worried and spent the night looking everywhere he might be. He was nowhere to be found. In the morning, they called a police and checked the Hospitals in Addis. The family was a mess and Helen could not stop crying. However, the answer for his whereabouts was on Facebook.
While the family and the police were looking everywhere for the groom, on the second day, he was found online. Helen logged on to Facebook to inform the only friend he introduced her over the phone who also lives in US. However, there was a message from him.
The message in short, thanked for all the good treatment and warm family welcome he received from her family. He added that he had so much fun and now he is back in the USA. He explained that he never thought she took the marriage proposal seriously and it was late for him to clear things after arriving in Ethiopia. In plain terms, he said all he wanted was a company while he was in Ethiopia. “I missed a home cooked traditional meal, a family around and an Ethiopian household. Thank you for providing that for me,” he wrote on Facebook.
Helen says that was the most heartbreaking thing she ever experienced. This also goes to her family, who took in a stranger in their home and treated him like one of them. However, the incident had a consequence more than this disappointment. Helen announced that she was going to get married. Her relatives, neighbors, and friends were all looking forward to the marriage. For an Ethiopia girl, cancelling a wedding is the biggest social embarrassment there is. Especially, when people heard how it happened, Helen felt like she became a joke in her neighborhood. Her relaxed easy life was taken away from her. Her friends and colleagues say that he came and destroyed her social life, and stole the smile from her.
She wanted to press legal charges against him and get some closure. Knowing that she hardly has any legal ground to do so (let alone the technicality of reaching him in the USA), it was hard for her to take. “He took advantage of me and my family,” she told me. Since my point was romance online, I asked her if she blames Facebook. She said, “no, I blame myself.”
This story is not about the entire online romance. From the entire Facebook user base, Helen’s story might not tell the whole picture.
However, this story shows how such online romances might take the wrong turn. Obviously, there are good stories that ended up relatively well. Still, with the growing desperation to get out of Ethiopia, and the depreciated moral values of our people everywhere, it might be advisable to be cautious and examine decision before taking such actions.
That said, this story may not be isolated at all. It is fair to assume that many people before Sami must have done things that took advantage of unsuspecting girls in Ethiopia. Hopefully some good people out there will figure out some way of exposing such very selfish and heartless people and sparing the life-long heartbreak of girls like Helen.
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Seble Teweldebirhan is Addis Ababa based Reporter for Ezega.com. She can be reached by sending email through this form.
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